The kidnapper will get a look in his eye, and your heart will sink because you know it means you’re in for yet another few minutes of drably shot semi-resisted sex accompanied – without fail – by a song that sounds as if it has been written for the exclusive purpose of soundtracking a local commercial for a vaguely noxious off-brand aftershave called something like Mutiny or Heretic or Insubordination. There is cucking, spitting, non-consensual licking, erotic consumption of ice cream, berserk multi-position drone-shot yacht intercourse, and a scene of such aggressively gaggy fellatio that the recipient ends up licking the overhead luggage compartment of an aeroplane at the point of climax.Īnd yet, it very quickly becomes monotonous. On paper, the sex here is at least quite varied. Because, despite enjoying a pair of ridiculously photogenic leads, this is easily the least sexy screen sex since you saw Tommy Wiseau’s buttocks pumping away in The Room. Then there’s all the sex, which is by far the biggest failing of 365 Days. There’s the dismal dialogue, like the moment where the woman pouts: “I’m not a bag of potatoes that you can transport without permission.” There’s the part where she does eventually fall in love with her kidnapper, but only after he pushes her off a yacht during a screaming argument about how frigid she is, then demonstrates his innate kindness by eventually stopping her from drowning. There’s the way that the kidnapped woman’s character development is expressed solely through the medium of shopping montages (there are three of them). There’s the central conceit, designed to be a riff on Beauty and the Beast, albeit one where Beast attempts to demonstrate his worth by tying Belle to a bed and forcing her to watch the teapot character suck him off.
Honestly, it’s hard to know where to start. That said, if you have to look to dodgy east European Netflix softcore B-movies to get your kicks, you probably deserve to die of frustration. There is a theory that 365 Days is enjoying so much success at the moment because lockdown has made everyone incredibly horny. This, I hope you will understand, is a bad film. Cosmopolitan labelled it “the worst thing I’ve ever seen”.
The Times UK said: “It makes the bonking puppets in Team America: World Police look like straight-faced documentary.” Variety called it “dumber-than-hair”. The film currently has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. And it is also terrible.Ĭlearly, objectively terrible. It is the story of a mob boss who kidnaps, drugs, chokes and all but rapes a stranger for a year in the mad hope that she will fall in love with him.
Touted as the Polish 50 Shades of Grey (and also based on a hit book), it is currently the fourth most-watched thing on Netflix UK and the third most-watched on Netflix US (it’s been near the top of both charts now for two weeks).
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